Sitting with the yuck

I go back to work tomorrow. Not overly impressed with the idea, particularly because I feel like I didn't really get a good break.

I was lucky enough to have nine days off work. It should have been amazing.

I wanted to feel healthy and rested and ready for the New Year. But mostly I felt stressed- about work, about moving, about not feeling amazing. And I cried. Not because I was exceptionally sad, just because it was an emotionally charged week. And I didn't get much sun, and I didn't read a book and I didn't do great things.

And because I felt out of sorts and didn't want to feel that way, I spent the first week running and keeping busy to feel better. Christmas and drinks (there was too much drinking) and dinner and busy-ness. But I still felt yuck and time was running out and I was going back to work soon and why did I feel like this? How could I make it go away!

And when I could do no more, I had to face up to the fact that I could not control this nine day break. I could not control the way I felt and what I needed from this time. I obviously just needed to feel a bit shit, and this time was obviously going to be a bit stressful and emotional because let's face it, Christmas always is, and we were combining that with needing to pack up our home for the move and sort through stuff and throw stuff away. 

This is one of the lessons I am trying to learn. It's hard, I forget, I need to keep reminding myself. It's ok just to feel yuck sometimes, for things to not always be wonderful, and you don't always have to fix it or run away from it. There is great value in sitting with it, feeling uncomfortable for a little while, to find out why you feel like this in the first place. Or maybe to find out there is no reason, you just feel this way and it's ok. It's ok to feel whatever you need to feel. Just sit with it. Sit with yourself. It will be scary at first but it will get easier.

I will keep trying. 

(Image via pawleys island posh blog)